1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

---

CATS:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to pick out new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.

DOGS:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

---

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

---

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

---

She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.

Does your face hurt, because it's killing me!

He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the sofa.

You're so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.

Those people are so dumb, one of 'em was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on him.

Thinks he's a real wit. He's half right.

In a battle of wits she's unarmed.

The oven's on, but nothing's cooking.

He's a little too tall for his blood supply.

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

She's a few Cokes short of a six-pack.

He's a few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but his hamster's dead.

She's one taco short of a combination plate.

She's a few feathers short of a whole duck.

He's all foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

She's as smart as bait.

He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

He's a gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

She's got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

She's a prime candidate for natural deselection.

He's as bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

He fell out of the family tree.

He's more confused than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He's been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

He's a couple of bricks short of a hod.

He's a couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.

He's a couple of knights short of a Crusade.

He's a couplet short of a sonnet.

He's a few ears short of a bushel.

He's a few feet short of the runway.

He's a few links shy of a chain.

He's a few puppies short of a pet shop.

He's a few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.

He's got a room temperature IQ.

He's about a half a bubble off plumb.

He's all lime and salt, but no tequila.

He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

He was born during low tide in the gene pool.

He has both oars in the water, but they're on the same side of the boat!

He can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.

She's deaf, dumb, and blonde.

His deck has no face cards.

He is diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

She's eating with only one chopstick.

Her elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.

God might still use him for miracle practice.

He has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.

His jogging trail doesn't go all the way around the lake.

He left the store without all of his groceries.

He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in her silo.

He's not the quickest bunny in the forest.

She's one song short of a musical.

Her slinky is kinked.

Some M and Ms are missing from her bowl.

He's strong like bull, smart like streetcar.

---

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company is: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.

---

#1
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
*right now*, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing!

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me were screams of laughter"
Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia


#2
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love,
we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to
miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to
the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd
of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles,
grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for
what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again."
Jim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York


#3
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon
in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a
discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her
items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got
on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK
ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like
tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU
PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?

---

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

--------

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that i had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have
it, they matched.

--------

Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank
card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient
your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will
say,

"Strip down, face toward me."
Editor's note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

--------

Idiots and geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied,"Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

--------

Advice for idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the hp Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to
lubricate your eyes."

--------

Idiots in the neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the deer crossing sign on our road. The reason: many
deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

--------

Idiots and computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"

--------

Idiots are easy to please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained
to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount
of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

--------

Idiots in food services
My daughter went to a local taco bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "Minimal lettuce."
he said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

A customer at a sub shop ordered "A small soda." The owner
responded,

"I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't have small, just medium and
large." (both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer,
a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay,
I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

--------

Idiots do math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to
visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was,
at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's
half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone
else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that
you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about
that, and then said, "Oh,yeah, I guess it only works on even years

---

- - Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

- - A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend
in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced
shooting beer cans off each other's head.

- - A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of afety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the
film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave
the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required
seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.

- - The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city
limits.

- - A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians
had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries
and back pain.

- - Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page
manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips
of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with
the shredder.

- - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few
days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At
lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and
thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had
stolen over the lunch hour.

- - Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires
to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in
the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

- - When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused
to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened
to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the
police and was arrested.

- - A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop

---

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer
and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned
by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon
that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their
aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the
animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some
100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a
can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to
smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to
ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can
down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.

Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding
fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though
at a much higher rate of speed.

He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a
submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr.
Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the
heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all,
he traveled over 200 feet through the air.

"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,"
McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he
suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool,"
Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at
the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get
hurt."

There still is no word about the raccoon.

---

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash
he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at
you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was
caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him
in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out
of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F---UP!" For a moment, everyone
was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it
and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd
been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before
the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall
engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f---up!"

---

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.


When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..."

An Australian man accused of murdering his wife can't seem to get his story straight. June Mathew, John Rushton's second wife, testified that Rushton told her his first wife died of a heart attack, ran off with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts of adultery, and drowned after being washed overboard. Rushton also claimed he was a nuclear physicist, a naval commander, and had been knighted for saving the Queen's life. Mathew, who was married to Rushton for five years, believed him because he was a "good talker..." but those pesky microtremors finally gave him away...

An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...

An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He missed...

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus' baggy sweater caught tree branches on the way down... remember, kids, just say no to Spandex...

Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a Laser Tag gun.

Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a gun...

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." (Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying to ...)

In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind of tradition," said one. Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to complete work in the time allotted.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report...next time, a little higher and to the left...

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer, after having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on the premises.

San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window...

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

The police showed up at the victim's house after receiving a call of a break in while the man was away at work. The house was in a nice upper-middle class neighborhood. The police walked around to the side of the house with the victim, where they were shown the pried open sliding glass patio door. Clearly the entrance for the criminal. When asked if anything in the house was missing the man said nothing except his stash of marijuana. Police, not believing what they had just heard asked the man to repeat himself. The man, realizing that he had just admitted to possessing an illegal drug stammered and finally said, "oh forget the whole thing." He waved the police off and went back into his house. The police walked away laughing.

The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. "And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?" Yes sir, the witness answered. "And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?" Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped off police. Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30 minutes, then tried to get away on foot. He shot at police several times, but missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole and threatened to kill himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before accidentally shooting himself in the forehead...

William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued by "the Kingdom of Heaven...".

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

Costa Mesa, California: A man allegedly robbed taxi driver James Hooper with a large caliber handgun, then tried to escape on foot. One foot, to be exact. Police say Timothy Lambert's gun accidentally discharged, shooting his own foot. Officers followed a trail of bloody prints a short distance before arresting Lambert.

Great Falls, Montana: When Raymond Lutz of was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that "he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off..."

Germany: A German toolmaker has been arrested for extortion after threatening auto maker Daimler-Benz. The unnamed man had demanded a helicopter and millions of German marks, or he would "kill drivers of Mercedes cars...".

Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania state police have refused to return the "water bong" they seized from Timothy Martin during a traffic stop on Interstate 80. Martin told police the bong was "an heirloom," and that he wanted it back.

Reno, Nevada: A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.

Oakland, California: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.

Illinois: An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Topeka, Kansas: A man walked in to a Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Medford, Oregon: A 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Los Angeles, California: Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Virginia Beach: A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."

Modesto, CA: Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

New York: Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stick-up," then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived.

Long Beach, California: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked.

Crystal, Kentucky: Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..."

Toronto, Canada: A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see.

Sacramento, California: Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn't start.

California: A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed in black and carrying a big knife broke into his home, forced him to smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, then left.

Miami Beach, Florida: Our Nice Try Award this week goes to the Miami Beach attorney who entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head.

Netherlands: An airline pilot has been sentenced to four months in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane.

Levelland, Texas: E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars". The judge agreed.

Wichita, Kansas: Police arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

(Location Unknown): A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.

(Location Unknown): A criminal who broke into a couple's house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.

Providence, Rhode Island: David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.

Washington D.C.: A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Radnor, Pennsylvania: Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Ionia, Michigan: When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Some criminals are not too bright and here's one to prove that: (at the time of booking)
Officer: What is your D.O.B.?
Criminal: What's a D.O.B., man?
Officer: When's your birthday?
Criminal: May 5th
Officer: What year?
Criminal: Every year, man.

---

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

---

What would have been different if Bill Gates was a redneck....(I personally Feel that alot of these things would be improvements!!!)

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunkredneck yelling Feebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

Now that is some funny stuff! Not all true, but sadly some is true.

I have already explained What a redneck is, now I feel it necessary to explain what a redneck isn't. Most folk out there, sittin on their high and mighty social horse feel that they can group folks they see as uncultured or undesireable as rednecks. This shows their lack of knowledge and ignorance.
For example, these people interchange characteristics of white trash and rednecks. I will admit that it might be possible for a redenck to be also white trash, but this is not to be taken for granted. And some characteristics are attributed to rednecks that no longer apply or might have never applied. I will attempt to rectify this.

1. White trash, or more correctly, trailer-trash live in trailers...not rednecks. We more commonly inhabit run-down, partially constructed homes or log cabins.

2. Rednecks are not lazy, incompitent, laggards. Those incorrectly grouped with us that do fit this descriptions are more commonly called "welfare-trash". It must be noted that being on welfare does not automatically make one trash, merely down and out and nothing to be ashamed of. Rednecks and white-trash are the ones that built this country(and that aint figurative).

3. The inbred stereo-type is old and over used and can no longer be considered humorous or accurate. Those that use this description have confused us with "European Blue-Bloods"(now there's some trees that never branched! They didn't call each other cousin for the hell of it!!!)

4. Rednecks are not stupid. In the bountiful ignorance of most city folk, they have confused ignorance with stupidity and proven my point themselves. There are old rednecks in these hills that never went past the second grade that have more knowledge in the head than most of those acedimic boobs that profess to be "educated". Once had some of these fellers poken fun at me for miss using an economic term, but when I asked them a question, damned if any one of'em knew how much hardener to add to a golf ball sized helpin of body puddy!! Guess they must'a just been stupid?? hehe

5. Hell yea we like to drink beer, but excuse us if we don't waste our hard earned money on scotch and brandy to just piss it away!

How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" |
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba"

(I think I have to add to every thing I put on here!!!As I did with the above)

A Starfleet Captain Might be considered a Redneck if................

1) - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

2)- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

3) - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

4)- he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"

5)- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

6)- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

7) - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

8) - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

9) - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

10)- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

11)- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

12)- he says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!" instead of "Engage"

13)- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

14) - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

15) - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

16)- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

17)- he paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes

18) - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

19)- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

20) - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

21) - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

22) - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

23) - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

24) - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

25) - he sets phaser to "Cajun"

26) - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

27) - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu

28) - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine

29) - he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol

30) - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay

31) - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had."

32) - he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

33) - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses

Your Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If...

(1) - if he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer

(2) - if he says "these are not the beers you're looking for"

(3) - if that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs

(4) - if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside

(5) - if he calls his young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"

(6) - if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up

(7) - if the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family

(8) - if he calls Hank Williams Jr."master"

(9) - if his landspeeder has a gun rack

(10) - if he meditiates to old CCR records

(11) - if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy.

(12) - if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees... the dark side are they."

(13) - if his X-Wing has a still in it

(14) - if his lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base

(15) - if there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid

(16) - if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them

(17) - if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock

(18) - if he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill

(19) - if he uses Jawas for a drink holder

(20) - if he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other

(21) - if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck

(22) - if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD

(23) - if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth

(24) - if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.

(25) - if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored

(26) - if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored

(27) - if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

(28) - if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

(29) - if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

(30) - if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling

(31) - if his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

(32) - if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light

(33) - if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery

(34) - if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest

(35) - if his father's name is Garth Vader

(36) - if he got his lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids

(37) - if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister

(38) - if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs

(39) - if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power

(40) - if he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer

Previous two taken from the page of Kris Overstreet: Redneck Gaijin Online(and revised by ME!!, damn things still mixes up White trash with Rednecks though)

Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say
Compiled by Rena Whitehouse

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
*I just love the Opera
*Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
*Don't worry, I'll pay for this!!
*Pornography is the bane of society
*Damned if that polititian ain't honest!

*=Had to add some of my own

Turn abouts are fair play!!

You might be a Yankee if .... 1. You don't know kudzu from kung fu
2. You enjoy living in filth
3. The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke.
4. You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.
5. The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach.
6. You talk real fast and charm real slow.
7. You think smog is a sky color.
8. You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.
9. You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.
10. Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's
bedroom.
11. You think okra is a talk show host.
*12. You can be surrounded bye crime and "didn't see a thing!!"
*13. You didn't know chickens layed eggs and cows produced milk.
*14. You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.
*15. You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

*=mine again

Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yer truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. "bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What Yer fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Redneck Driving Etiquette

1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

7.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Redneck Personal Hygiene

1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

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Last update Sept 01 2005