Ten
Gallons
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."
Three Wishes
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
43 Things Every Woman Should Know
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie. microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. Post-Orgasmic Depression (i.e. please don't touch me for at least 15 minutes after we've had sex) is something which we sometimes can't control.
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: Blow Job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves are better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grand-daddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dang it, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
6 Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
Doctor, Dentist, Milkman, Hairdresser, Interior Decorator, & Banker
The Doctor says: “Take off your clothes.”
The Dentist says: “Open wide.”
The Milkman says: “Do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser says: “Do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Decorator says: “Once it is in, you’ll love it.”
The Banker says: “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.”
Blonde Jokes
Q-What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A-Goes home.
Q-How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
A-Opens the car door.
Q-Why do blondes wear panties?
A-To keep their ankles warm.
Q-Why do blondes wear hoop earring’s?
A-So they have some where to rest their ankles.
Q-Why are blondes back seat drivers?
A-Because they are always in the back seat.
Q-How do you drown a blonde?
A-Throw a mirror in the pool.
Q-Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A-They can’t figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in that small envelope.
Q-What is the first thing a blonde says after sex?
A-So, are you all on the same team or what?
Q-Why was the blonde excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle only in 3 months?
A-Because the puzzle box said 3 to 5 years.
Q-What is a blondes mating call?
A-I’m so drunk.
Q-What is a brunettes mating call?
A-Are all the blondes gone?
Q-Why so blondes wear poofy, spiky hairdos?
A-So they can catch things that go over their head.
Q-How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A-Tell her she’s pregnant.
Q-Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
A-To see what was on the other side.
Q-Why don’t they let blondes take coffee breaks?
A-Because it takes to long to retrain them.
Q-What do you call 18 blondes lined ear to ear?
A-A wind tunnel.
Q-How do you light up a blondes eyes?
A-Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q-How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A-7 One to stir and 6 to peel the m&m’s
Q-Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
A-Because she kept throwing away the W’s.
Q-What do you call a brunette standing between 2 blondes?
A-An interpreter.
Q-How do you frustrate a blonde?
A-Give her a package of M & M’s and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q-What does a blond say when you blow in her ear?
A-Thanks for the refill.
Q-How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
A-She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can’t find her pen.
Q-A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were walking down the street together. They come across a dollar bill lying in the street. Who picks it up?
A-The dumb blonde…….. the other 2 don’t exist.
Q-What does a blond say after a multiple orgasm?
A-Way to go team.
Q-Why don’t blondes use the 911 emergency number?
A-Because they can’t find the eleven on the phone.
Q-Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
A-More head room.
Q-What do you call a pimple on a blondes butt?
A-A brain tumor.
Q-What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
A-Their legs!
Q-Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A-Cuz it chips their teeth.
Q-What do you call 10 blondes holding hands?
A-Dope ring
Q-What does a bottle of beer and a blonde have in common?
A-Both are full of air from the neck up.
Q-What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A-Once they are on their backs they’re screwed.
Q-What does a blonde do with her asshole before sex?
A-Drops “HIM” off at the golf course,
Q-How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?
A-There is white-out on the screen.
Q-Why did the blonde have a dent in her belly button?
A-Her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q-What do you call blondes in the freezer?
A-Frosted flakes.
Q-What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A-Not everyone has been inside a 747.
Q-Why does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A-They both have black boxes.
Q-What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A-Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q-Why do blondes have square boobs?
A-Nobody told them to take the kleenex out of the box.
Q-What does a blonde have when she dyes her hair brunette?
A-Artificial Intelligence.
Q-Why do blondes drive BMW’s instead of Porsches?
A-Because they can’t spell Porsche….
Q-How does a blonde practice safe sex?
A-Padded headboard.
Q-What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A-There have been occasional sightings of Bigfoot.
Q-How do blondes like their eggs?
A-Fertilized.
Q-What is the difference between a brick and a blonde?
A-A brick doesn’t follow you around for 2 weeks after it gets laid.
A-What does it mean when a blonde plugs her ears?
A-They are trying to hold a thought!
Q-What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?
A-The “hide and seek” champion…
Q-What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A-You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball…
Q-What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A-They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q-Why did the blonde only change her baby’s diaper once a month?
A-Because the box said good for up to 20 pounds..
Q-how does a blonde spell blonde?
A-S-L-U-……. Oh, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Q-What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A-Spot
Two blondes were walking along and came to some tracks. One blonde said, “Those look like deer Tracks”, and the other blonde said, “No, those look like moose tracks.” They were still arguing when the train hit them..
Q-What’s the advantage to being married to a blonde?
A-You can park in the handicapped zone.
Q-What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her hard?
A-All you can eat for under a buck.
Q-What do blondes and computers have in common?
A-You don’t realize how much you miss them until they go down on you.
Q-If a blonde and a brunette both jumped off a building at the same time, who would land first?
A-The brunette……… The blonde would have to stop and ask directions.
Q-Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A-To keep her neck warm.
Q-What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A-The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Proper Diskette Usage and Care
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...
You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT/U, or alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.
Dopey
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
The Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal is gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Golf Wife
A guy's been trying to teach his wife to golf, but he's not having much success. He decides to get her some pro lessons at his club.
She shows up for the lesson, and the pro says "Let's see your swing".
She takes a swipe at it, and it's not too bad.
"OK, let's see you tee-off one time", and tees up a ball for her. She swings, and it's a 125 yard slice.
"Lemme see that again". He tees up another ball for her, she hits it, and same thing- slice right.
The pro thinks a bit, and says "I think it's your grip; it may be too firm". He tees up another ball, saying "Tell you what. Try holding the club just like you'd hold your husband's "member".
She swings again, and this time it's 200+ yards straight down the middle!
"That's much better. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it like this..."
Headache
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 30 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 30. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache
Hospital Food
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened,telling him,"crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Late Getting Home
Guy is at a bar and its 1am.
He's telling his friend how he had promised his wife he'd be home by 10:00p.m. and is now worried about the consequences.
His friend says don't worry. When you get home sneak into the house take off your clothes sneak into the bed room under the sheets and crawl between your wifes legs and begin to give her oral sex; by the time she realizes what's happening she'll forget all about the time. Great idea!!
So he goes home sneaks into the house peels off his clothes, sneaks into the bedroom, crawls up between the legs and begins his oral copulation. His wife just lays there not moving not waking up, not even getting 'wet'. So he figures hey I'm off the hook here.
He then thinks that he'll go to the bathroom take a leak, go back to bed and forget about the whole thing.
After leaving the bathroom his wife is standing in front of him arms crossed and he starts "Honey I'm so sorry I'm so late............."
She bring her finger to her mouth and says "Sssssshhhhhh!!! Follow me to the other bedroom, your mother came in last night about 8 o'clock and is sleeping in our bed."
Check this one out!
This one is like telling a joke without the punchline. It started (or ended, if you will) with a court case.
The question: is the shooter guilty of murder? This gentleman had shot another man, and was on trial for murder.
However, it seems that the shooter had discharged his gun out his apartment window just as the soon-to-be-dead body fell past the window. Huh, you say?
It seems the victim had attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a tall building.
As he passed the accused's floor, a shotgun blast came through the window and struck the falling man in the head, killing him instantly. His body then landed in a safety net strung by window washers. Investigators surmised that he would not have died had he not been shot! Complicated, no? Wait, it gets worse....
Supposedly, the shooter did not know the gun was loaded. He and his wife were having an argument, and he took the gun out to threaten his wife. The gun accidentally fired, and shot the plunging body.
But, if the shooter is to be believed, how did the bullet get in the gun?
The most recent fingerprint on the gun came from the man's son. Forensics experts showed that the gun had not been loaded for a very long time before that. So, is the son guilty for the father's actions? Don't answer that question...
It seems that the son had major gambling debts, and needed money to pay up.
The parents had refused to give their deadbeat son any money. The son knew his dad frequently fought his mom and threatened her with the gun. He figured he would get the money if she was shot, and the dad was sent to jail. So he son loaded the gun.
So, again, who was responsible for shooting the body, the son, or the dad?
But wait, there is more. We know, it's like a bad made-for-TV movie, but it's an Urban Legend and we must do our duty.
The son had loaded the gun, but no fights occurred for some time. The debtors started putting heavy pressure on the son, and he was getting desperate.
He began to think his scheme was not going to work, and he began to get depressed. In his depression he decided to kill himself. He went up to the roof of his parents apartment building, and jumped off -- and was shot by his dad's gun as he fell past his dad's window.
So, the official ruling on the son's death was suicide...from a gunshot wound inflicted by jumping from a great height.
The New Priest!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Aaaah Paddy
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yessh, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"
If Men Got Pregnant....
* Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
* There'd be a cure for stretch marks
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
*.All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness
* Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained
* Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment
* They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute
* Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm
* Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags
* They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."
* Paternity suits would be a line of clothes
* They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months
* Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree
* Women would rule the world!
If Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
Vertically Challenged Red Riding Hood
There was once a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest with her mother -- and though it was a single parent household it provided a loving, supportive and nurturing environment in no way inferior to any other domestic arrangement, nor did Red Riding Hood suffer any developmental instabilities from lack of a regular father figure, nor was she in any way confused or handicapped by the male friends which her mother occasionally (and solely by her own choice, not because of any social preconceptions or lack of self esteem) would ask to stay overnight.
One day, her mother asked her to take a basket of reduced-calorie fat-free sodium-free preservative-free fiber-rich biscuits and a bottle of mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and completely capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult and had hired a housekeeper (or, rather, a domestic sanitation engineer) not because she was unable to do such work if she chose but only because it provided a means of assisting and liberating the local diligent but under-employed immigrant community.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of reduced-calorie fat-free sodium-free preservative-free fiber-rich biscuits and bottle of mineral water through the woods to Grandmother's house. She knew that many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, filled with wild animals, and never set foot in it. But Red Riding Hood was confident in her budding sexuality and, furthermore, had been assured by her therapist (whom she visited only that she might be a more fulfilled person, not because she felt in any way inadequate or troubled) that she had no repressed childhood traumas, and so she was not hindered by such obvious destructive Freudian imagery.
On her way to Grandmother's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Although it was clearly improper for the Wolf to take such liberties as asking such personal questions without prior permission by Red Riding Hood, she was sufficiently self-possessed that she did not feel overly threatened by his query and, rather than pursuing litigation, kindly answered "I, in order to express affection and strengthen family and community ties, am taking some reduced-calorie fat-free sodium-free preservative-free fiber-rich biscuits (which, I might add, were manufactured without any testing on or exploitation of animals and by a factory which produces no harmful byproducts or greenhouse gasses) and a bottle of mineral water to my grandmother, who is certainly fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult and hires a domestic sanitation engineer only in order to liberate the diligent but under-employed immigrant community."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood replied "I am a woman, not a girl, and I find your sexist and masculine-centered remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because I am confident in my own worth as an independent and responsible human being and I recognize that your status as an outcast from society, brought about by narrow-minded traditionalism and inadequate social engineering, has caused you to develop your own offensive yet nevertheless entirely valid world-view. Now, if you will excuse me I must be on my way, not because I wish to belittle your conversation or express disinterest in your intrinsic worth as an individual but because I need to fulfill my social obligations and return home in time to meet my therapist, whom I visit only to further enhance my already more-than-adequate sense of self-worth and fulfillment."
Red Riding Hood walked along the main path. However, because his status outside traditional society had freed the Wolf from slavish adherence to the linear, Western-style thought which had characterized the builders of the road, he knew of a quicker, more intuitive route to Grandmother's house.
He hurried along this route, burst into Grandmother's house and ate her -- which, though an entirely valid course of action for someone who had adopted a carnivorous lifestyle, and certainly not to be faulted as wrong or immoral by close-minded non-carnivorous observers, nevertheless represented an improper and offensive imposition of that lifestyle and perspective on Grandmother. Then, hampered neither by rigid, traditionalist notions of masculinity and femininity nor by possible Oedipean interpretations of his actions, he put on Grandmother's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Soon, Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some reduced-calorie fat-free sodium-free preservative-free fiber-rich snacks (which were manufactured without animal testing or environmentally threatening procedures) to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood replied, "Oh, I forgot that you are as optically challenged as a bat, a perfectly acceptable and tax-deductible condition.
My, Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seem much and forgiven much, my dear."
"My, Grandmother, what a big nose you have -- only relative to traditional aesthetics, of course, to which you have no obligation to conform and a nose which, in your own aesthetic framework, may certainly be attractive and fulfilling."
"It has smelled much and forgiven much, my dear."
"My, Grandmother, what big teeth you have..."
"Your observations do not change the fact that I am happy with my appearance, and furthermore am confident with my lifestyle choice as a carnivore, which is why I am now going to eat you, though I hope you will understand my actions arise out of no malice or dislike toward you and that any injury my behavior may cause you should in no way be taken personally, particularly as I cannot be held responsible for any action which is in any way, howsoever remotely, a result of my underprivileged childhood.
Furthermore, I would be equally happy to eat you if you were a boy and only unfortunate coincidence, not any personal bias, has resulted in the fact that I happen to be eating only females today."
The Wolf sprang out of bed and grabbed Red Riding Hood who screamed, not because of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, a perfectly valid and acceptable clothing option, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space and apparent intent to force his world-view upon her. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or, as he preferred to be called, a Natural-Fuel Technician.) When he burst into the cottage he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked the Wolf.
The Natural-Fuel Technician blinked and tried to answer, but could not think of a reply -- but only because his underprivileged upbringing had not provided him with an adequate education, a fact which in no way undermined his intrinsic value as a human-being or compromised, in any way, his eligibility for any career, particularly academia and politics.
"What," asked Red Riding Hood "gives you the right to burst in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you? Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandmother jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, grabbed the Natural-fuel Technician's ax, and cut his head off, a perfectly justifiable action, particularly since the Technician had clearly been irretrievably indoctrinated into an intolerant Euro-centric outlook.
After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandmother, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose and mutual recognition of each other's worth. The Wolf, moved by this recent example of the deleterious effects of the Technician's attempt to impose his devaluing world-view on others, vowed (or, rather, promised, since he was in no way limited by any primitive and unsubstantiated belief in some Absolute or Divinity) not to eat any other individual without first obtaining their written consent, in triplicate, granting him the right to freely express himself in a carnivorous fashion (and, in fact, the Wolf ultimately converted to vegetarianism, convinced of its superior health benefits). The three decided to set up an alternative household, based on their feelings of mutual respect and cooperation, not to mention the tax-incentives granted such associations, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after, though, of course, they were not bound by any obligation to stay "ever after," in case anyone should wish to express his/her individuality or seek fulfillment by choosing to leave, and they reserved the right to redefine "happily" at any time with reference to their own community decisions and outlook.
More True Stories
In Hong Kong, macho men tried to beat mechanised video-parlour arm-wrestling machines called Arm Champs II. In a two-week span, at least five of these hotshots lost. The machine broke their arms.
*********
In Lexington (Kentucky), a man amazingly drove himself to a hospital emergency room with a meat cleaver embedded in his head, the authorities said.
Mr Jesse James Taylor, 32, of Pikeville, Kentucky, entered a Pikeville hospital on Sunday morning after a domestic dispute during which a cleaver was impaled in his skull, police said. He was also stabbed with a butcher's knife and hit with a stick by his girlfriend and a 16-year-old boy, who were charged with assault.
Mr Taylor was airlifted to Univ. of Kentucky Medical Centre where the cleaver was removed surgically.
He was discharged on Monday
*********
Sao Paulo psychiatrist Oscar Cominguez was listening to a patient talk about her sex life when he shot her to death.
"I couldn't take those nut cases anymore," he said in court.
*********
In Hanoi (Vietnam), 74-year-old Mr Vo Lieu died of natural causes.
Thereafter, his children administered a drug to his wife to prevent her screaming at the funeral scheduled for the following day.
She died of an overdose before the funeral was held.
So a joint funeral was then held but at the graveyard, a truck transporting the coffins of Mr Lieu and his wife careened out of control and crashed into the funeral procession, killing a man and injuring six undertakers.
*********
In Beijing, a teenager from north China who smoked 100 cigarettes in one sitting easily won a bet with a friend but paid with his life when his heart gave out.
The attending doctor determined that the man, a Mr Wu, died of a heart attack brought on by excessive intake of cigarette smoke and acute nicotine poisoning.
As a crowd of passers-by watched, Mr Wu had lost his color suddenly and collapsed after finishing a fifth pack of Peony brand cigarettes.
*********
A Romanian woman fainted when she saw her husband come back from the grave three days after he was buried.
In 1991, the Romanian weekly Tinerama said that the 71-year-old Mr Neagu collapsed in a coughing fit after he choked on a fishbone.
But three days later, gravediggers at the cemetery heard someone knock on wood, and opened Mr Neagu's grave to find him alive.
However, when he went home, Mr Neagu discovered that his family did not want him.
His wife, fearing he was a ghost, barred him from spending nights at home, while his sons told him to stay away from his grandsons.
*********
In 1959, there was a report of a man who thought nothing of swallowing broken glass, nuts and bolts, stones and nails.
The 22-year-old John Danakody said: "I do it for fun to amuse my friends."
"I do eat ordinary food because these are only titbits," he declared, as he popped a rusty nail into his mouth.
"I terrify all my girlfriends," he added, as he picked up a stone and swallowed it.
*********
In Katmandu, one of the oldest men on earth is tired of life and wants an early death.
"Oh, God! It's too long a life. I am tired," said Mr Bir Narayan Choudhury, 139 (yes, no typo error here ;) ), complained to The Kathmandu Post newspaper in his Himalayan village of Khanar in eastern Nepal.
"God listen to my prayer," the newspaper quoted him as saying, 'Give me instant death."
Mr Choudhury has defied the law of averages in the world's only Hindu Kingdom, one of the poorest nations in the world, where the average life expectancy is 54 years.
He may be tired of life, but he still enjoys dreaming.
"In my dreams, the King comes in an aeroplane to see me," he said.
Your Call
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between the US and the Canadians off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
US SHIP: "Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
CANADIAN REPLY: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
US SHIP: "This is the captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
CANADIAN REPLY: "No, I say again, divert YOUR course!"
US SHIP: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS NIMITZ. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!!"
CANADIAN REPLY: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
101 Things not to say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Dear Child
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it after me; She's going to call it mama.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mama
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
After Holiday Exercise
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank Goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's office.
P.S. Doughnuts anyone?
The Talking Frog
A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"
Why Men Can't Win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a crap about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
If Women Ruled the World
.Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
...PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
...Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
...Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
...Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity
..."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
...Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
...Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
...Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
...Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
...Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
...Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
...Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
...Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments
...Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. (I thought they already did!)
...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
...All toilet seats would be nailed down.
...Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
...TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
...All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
...During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds (MY personal favorite! lol)
...Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
...After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
...For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.
The Real Meaning behind the Abbreviations in Personal Adds
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother. on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Cyber Sex
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as"cyber sex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does..
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and stuff.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: Your hands are cold! Yeeee! (I scream like a woman)
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: logged off
Last update Sept 01 2005