Jokes 4.

Jokes,
Page 4

Office Prayer

LORD, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change

The things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide

The bodies of those people

I had to kill today

Because they pissed me off.

And LORD,

Help me to be mindful

Of the toes I step on today,

As they may be connected to the ass

That I may need to kiss tomorrow.

You Know You're Drinking Too much Coffee when...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe."

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Hiccup!!

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Confusious Say...

1. WOMAN WHO GOES TO MAN'S APARTMENT FOR SNACK, GETS TITBIT.

2. MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GET PEACE ON EARTH.

3. MAN WHO GET KICKED IN TESTICLES, LEFT HOLDING THE BAG.

4. MAN WHO KISSES GIRL'S BEHIND, GET CRACK IN FACE.

5. PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER WEB-LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY.

6. MAN WITH HANDS IN POCKETS, FEELS COCKY ALL DAY.

7. MAN WHO FIGHTS WITH WIFE ALL DAY, GET NO PIECE AT NIGHT.

8. VIRGINITY LIKE BALLOON-ONE PRICK, ALL GONE.

9. GIRL WHO RIDES BICYCLE, PEDDLES ASS ALL OVER TOWN.

10. HE WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW.

11. BASEBALL ALL WRONG-MAN WITH FOUR BALLS CAN'T WALK.

12. MAN WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSE, DRESS IN BASEMENT.

13. KOTEX NOT BEST THING ON EARTH, BUT NEXT TO BEST THING.

14. MAN WHO WALK THROUGH AIRPORT DOOR SIDEWAYS IS GOING TO BANGKOK.

15. MAN WHO DROP WATCH IN TOILET, BOUND TO HAVE SHITTY TIME.

16. MAN WHO TAKE LADY ON CAMPING TRIP, HAVE ONE INTENT.

17. MAN WHO GO TO BED WITH QUESTION OF SEX ON MIND WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.

The "Juice"on the Loose

(or: "The "Juice" Eludes the Noose.")

by Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife

I did not slash her with a knife

I did not bonk her on the head

I did not know that she was dead

I stayed at home that fateful night

I took a cab, then took a flight

The bag I had was just for me

My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

When I came home I had a gash

My hand was cut from broken glass

I cut my hand on broken glass

A broken glass did cause the gash

I have nothing yet to hide

My friend, he took me for a ride

Did you take this person's life?

Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife

I did not, could not kill my wife

I did not do this awful crime

I could not, would not anytime

Did you hit her from above?

Did you drop this bloody glove?

I did not hit her from above

I cannot even wear that glove

I did not do it with a knife

I did not, could not kill my wife

I did not do this awful crime

I could not, would not anytime

And now I'm free, I can return

To my house for which I yearn

And to my family whom I love

Hey now I'm free...

Give back my glove!

The Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Bat Problem

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church...

Haven't seen one back since!!!"

The Dr. Is In

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

18 into 54

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and it read's:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

Pig and Cow

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

It's the pig and the cow.

Professional Courtesy

Three attorneys went fishing in a small boat. A storm came up and the boat capsized in shark infested waters. All three lawyers made it to shore without being eaten by the sharks -- why? -- Professional courtesy.

Beware of Mirrors

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off..........

Which Condoms Would you use?

Nike condoms: just do it!

Toyota condoms: oh, what a feeling

Diet Pepsi condoms: You got the right one, baby

Pringles condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop

Dial condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everyone did?

Campbell's Soup: Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Good

Carl's Jr. condoms: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.

General Electric condom: We bring good things to life.

AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.

Double Mint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Computer Terms For Rednecks

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

Bug - The reason you give for callin' in sick

Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps

Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers

Diskette - Female Disco dancer

Fax - What you lie about to the IRS

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers

Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

Online - Where to stay when takin' the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the Year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Softwear Upgrades

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.

He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.

And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-iN-law which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

After Life

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha.Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"Well what do you do all day?," asked Martha.

"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."

"Well then where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

Missing Person?

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Trouble Receiving

A Microsoft's tech support rep was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.

He fired several rounds at the bulls eye. From the target area came the report: no shots had even hit the placard. The Microsoft rep looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand and blew off the end of his finger.

He then yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end."

Drinking Buddies

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO (San Francisco); it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!!

"You don't have a hangover?"

And he says "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often"

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What??"

"Did you FART yet??"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

Grandma's Fruitcake Recipe

My grandmother would record her recipes on tapes as she would cook. I was recently listening to a few of Granny's old tapes, and I came across this recipe for Christmas Fruitcake. Since it is the Christmas season, I thought I'd share with you her recipe - exactly as she recorded it.

* 1 Cup of butter

* 1 teaspoon lemon juice

* 1 teaspoon baking soda

* 1 teaspoon salt

* 1 bottle Johnnie Walker Red scotch

* 1 cup dried fruit

* 1 cup brown sugar

* 1 cup flour

* 1/2 cup nuts

* 4 large eggs

Sample scotch to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check Scotch again to be sure it really is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink again. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoontean of sugar and beat again. Make sure the scotch is still okay - cry another tup. Turn off the mixer, break two legs an add to the bowl. Chuck in a cup of dried fruits. Murn on the tixer. If the fruit gets stuck on the beater, pry loose with a screwdriver. Sample the scotch again to check for tonsisticity. Next sift two sups of calt - or something. Who cares? Check the scotch. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one boblespoon of brown sugar or whatever you can find. Wix mel? Wex mill? Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 greedees. Throw the bowl out the window and go to bed. Now your getting into the Christmas spirts.

Four Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...

Too Old

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day, one day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in this world." The other lady asked what she meant.

She replied:

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

The Blues

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue."

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition.

He asked he wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed ?"

"Yes." she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using ?" the doctor then asked.

"Grape." she answered.

Interpretations

When a woman says: What it really means:

You want You want

We need I want

Do what you want You'll pay for this later

We need to talk I need to complain

Sure...go ahead I don't want you to

I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron

You're....so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight Is sex all you ever think about?

This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house

The car is empty Go fill it up

The trash is full Take it out

The dog is barking Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? Too late, you're dead

It's all right, dear You'll pay for this

Yes No

No No

Maybe No

I'm sorry You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

.....................In answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing Nothing

Nothing Everything

Everything My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really It's just that you're such an asshole

I don't want to talk Go away, I'm still building up steam about it

What makes you think there

is something wrong? I'm going to kill you

Weird Science

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Car Trouble

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

Three Wishes

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Horsie Ride

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night,in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!" "Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The Exhausted Traveller

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere."he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

The Tight Skirt

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

The O'Malley Twins

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!

"Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks,"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

The Fireman

A man who worked for a fire company came home one day and told his wife, "you know we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell rings 4 times and we get on our jackets, Bell rings 2 times and we all slide down the pole, Bell rings 3 times and we're ready to go on the truck.

From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say bell 3 we're going to screw all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell1" and his wife took off all her clothes. "Bell2" and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell3" and they began to screw. After 2 minutes his wife yelled "bell4" "What's this bell4?" asked her husband.

"More hose", she replied. "You're nowhere near the fire."

The Indian and the Priest

An Indian and a priest are walking through the woods. The priest is teaching the Indian the english language, in order to help him ease into the "white man's society".

As they walk along, the priest sees a tree and says to the Indian, "Tree".

They continue walking along and come upon a bush, and the priest says to the Indian, "Bush".

They keep walking and eventually come to a small clearing, where they happen upon a man and a woman engaged in sex. The priest is so upset by this he's not sure what he should tell the Indian.The only explanation he can think of to say to the Indian is, "Man riding a bicycle."

The Indian then pulls out his bow and arrow, aims, and instantly kills the man.

The priest screams at the Indian, "What did you do that for?"

The Indian smiles and replies, "Man riding MY bicycle!"

Unlocked Doors

A husband and wife and their two young sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

Men Are Like...

1. Men are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

5. Men are like chocolate bars....sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement....after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. (OUCH!!!!)

10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?

A: They irritate the shit out of you

11. Q: Why did God create man?

A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns

12. Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?

A: No mind-No business

13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?

A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped

14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are >sensitive, caring and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends

15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last

16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

17. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?

A: Because they're all pigs

Choices

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

The Battle of the Bobbit Hillbillies

(sung to the tune of "the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,

A poor Ex-marine with a little fraction gone,

It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,

She looped off his dong with a swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,

And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,

And tossed him out of the window as she rounded the bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,

and they called out the hounds to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"

To John Waynes henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a Fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long

So the dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"

"A needle and thread is all were gonna need!"

And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and hardened and he took his case to court

With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short

They cleared her of assault and aquitted him of rape,

And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomach now, ya hear?

The Open Garage Door

Noticing that her boss' fly was open, the embarrassed secretary told him, "Your garage door is open."

The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant at first until she pointed. He quickly zipped up and said, "I hope you didn't see my superdeluxe Cadillac."

"Nope." she replied. "Just an old pink Volkswagen with two flat tires

Thanks for the Peanuts!

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "You're welcome,since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

A Million Dollars

When Mr Midas was dying, he devised a plan to take some of his fortune with him. He called the three people he trusted the most; his priest, his doctor, and his personal attorney. He gave them each an envelope with $1 million in cash, and asked them to place the money in his coffin so that he could take it with him.

All three agreed to do so. At the funeral, each in turn approached the coffin, and placed their envelope inside.

On leaving the cemetery, the priest told the others, "I must confess to you both that I only placed $700,000 in the coffin. My church is in desperate need of repairs, so I took the rest of the money to accomplish this worthy project."

The doctor then said, "I must also confess; I took $500,000 to purchase new medical equipment, which my hospital badly needs to save people's lives. I am sure that Mr Midas would have approved, if he had really thought about it."

The attorney looked at them both sternly, and said, "You both should be ashamed of yourselves. I followed Mr Midas' instructions to the letter.

The envelope I put in the coffin contained my personal cheque for the full $1 million!"

I do Believe...

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

Getting to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator....."

Is Your Computer Male or Female?

TOP FIVE INDICATORS THAT A COMPUTER MUST BE A MALE

1. They're heavily dependent on external tools & equipment.

2. They periodically cut you off when you think you've established a connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

4. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model.Some users, however, have already invested so much in the machine that they feel compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

5. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

TOP FIVE INDICATORS THAT A COMPUTER MUST BE A FEMALE:

1. No one but their creator understands their logic.

2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately commited to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Numbers

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

The Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix!"

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the first biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there - apologize and see how much this is going to cost us!"

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in!" They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." The husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for thousands of years in that bottle and you've released me!" "I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish and keep one for myself."

"O.K. great!" The husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I can do." "And you, what do you want?" The genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world." She said grinning with excitement.

"Consider it done." The genie replied.

"And what's your wish genie?" The husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in over a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess it will be alright just this once."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said,

"How old is your husband anyway?" "35" She stated (breathless).

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!"

Four Letter Words

This young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, she immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied...."the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic....we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language....stuff I'd never heard before....really terrible 4-letter words....you've got to come get me and take me home....PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered...."WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like DUST....WASH....IRON....COOK!"

"HEAVENS," shouted the mother...."I'll be there to pick you up in two hours.... pack your bags!"

Differences between Good Girls and Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies

Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties

Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls

Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush

Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it

Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work

Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance

Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position

Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls say no

Bad girls say when?

Two Rednecks

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter.

The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.

The first redneck guesses five.

The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."

The second redneck guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."

As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."

The second one, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."

New Boots

A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.

As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies" Yeah, it's limp!"

"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. " It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!"

"Next time buy a hat."

The Milkman's Last Day

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"

The Fishing Trip

A woman is in bed with her lover ... who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours ... wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite, passionate love.

Afterwards, they're just laying there, each savoring the nearness of the other.

The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ....

She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello?....Oh,..... hi.....So glad you called....Really?.......That's wonderful......I'm so happy for you.....Sounds terrific......Great.....Thanks......Okay..........Buh-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Chat Room

I was sitting in chat room,

Feeling mildly amused,

When I saw something strange,

That left me all confused.

Someone typed a word,

(As far as I could tell)

But I had never seen it.

What is an LOL?

Then the plot got thicker,

More words I didn't know,

A person started typing,

The word LMAO.

I sat there in amazement,

I felt like a dumb toad.

Could it be, these people,

Were speaking in a code?

That's when I looked closer.

And found the subtle clue.

I figured out this code

And I'll share it now, with you.

LOL is three little words,

That seem, to me, quite shady.

Why would someone ever write

The words, "Lean Over Lady"?

LMAO, was more obscure,

It made me sweat my socks!

LMAO is a command,

Meaning, "Leave Me Alone, Ox!"

ROFL was harder still,

I found it rather sickening.

It's a discreet way to say,

"Ready Only For Licking!"

I can't believe that AOL,

Would let this code exist!

To them I say, YOMSL

Meaning, "You're On My Sh** List!"

Last update Sept. 01, 2005