Actual Newspaper Ads
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
The Parrot
A woman decided she just had to have a parrot for a pet, so she made a tour of all the pet shops in town. She found out that they were way more expensive than she could afford. She was just devastated and was practically in tears as she turned to leave the last pet shop, when the owner told her he did have a parrot in the back she could have for $500. But wasn't sure she'd want it when she heard it talk.
The woman was so happy she bought the parrot without further ado and took it home. When she got home, she uncovered the parrot and the parrot said,"New house, new madame. All right!"
The woman thought, "that's kind of cute, I'll have to show it to the girls."
That afternoon her bridge friends came over and she showed them her new pet.
The parrot said, "New house, new madame, new girls, this is O.K.!!"
Everyone really enjoyed her parrot.
The woman could hardly wait to show the parrot to her husband. When he came home, she said, "honey, you'd got to see my parrot."
She uncovered the parrot and it said, "New house, new madame and new...............Hi, George!"
Bob over Boston
This is a true story about the passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob."
The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
After a short pause and several clicks..."Geez - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now!"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
PARENTAL OBSERVATIONS
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Author Unknown
For years 'n years they told me
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by Law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said
as she got my tit in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," she said
"Ah yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped up on a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down-
My boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
And my poor tit was squashed
To Swedish pancake-thin!! thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing.
My poor defenseless tit!!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who DOES she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe & woozy I'm getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one,"
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I sure would have one NOW-
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!
This machine was made by man
Of this I have no doubt-
I'd love to get his balls in there
for months he'd go without!!!!
The Vampires
Two vampires were on a holiday in Italy. They were getting hungry so they picked up an Italian fellow and commenced to drain his blood.They decided they had to get rid of his body when they were finished draining him and found a bridge. They tossed his body over and they didn't hear a splash which they thought was rather odd.
They were still hungry so they grabbed another Italian fellow and drained his blood as well. They took the drained body and tossed it over the bridge with the same result...no splashing sound.
They commented on how weird this was. Again they were still hungry so they grabbed a third Italian fellow and drained him and tossed the drained body over the bridge...again no splash.
One vampire said to the other "Lets get another and when we drain him and toss him off the bridge, let's run around and look under the the bridge and see what's happening."
They grabbed a fourth Italian fellow and drained the body. This time when they tossed the drained body off the bridge, they ran around and got under the bridge and looked.
There was an alligator under there singing at the top of his lungs "Drained Wops keep falling on my Head"!!
English?
Having chosen english as the preferred language in the European Economic Community (EEC), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through, and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.
Then the hard 'c' could be replased with 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when, in the sekond year it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be witten 'f'.This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling knn be expeked to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would eckourage the removal of double letters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent leters in the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kud drop them and kontinu to read and writ as tho nothing had hapend. By this tim it wud be yers sins the skem began and pepl wud be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kud be taken on by 'v', vish is, after al.haf a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kud be droped from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozerkombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud, eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. after tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis, and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand esh ozer. Ze drem of the Guverment vud finali hav kum tru.
Anonimus.
Fun things to do in a final (or a prelim) that does not matter!
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wakeup, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exa nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
44. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
45. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
46. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
47. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
48. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
49. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
The Farmer's Daughter
There is this farmer that has a daughter that every guy in the town wants to marry. The farmer does not just let anyone marry his daughter so he makes the guys that want to marry his daughter take some tests and if they pass they get to marry his daughter.
Three guys accept his challenge.
The first guy shows up to take the first test. He is told that he has to go over to this huge bouncer type guy and knock him out. He walks up and is knocked out in one hit.
The second guy comes up and is able to knock out the bouncer. He now has to go into this room where he must wrestle this dog and pull out one of his teeth. he walks in and comes out all beaten up and bleeding.
The farmer tells the final guy that he must knock out the bouncer and pull the tooth out of the dog and go up stairs and have sex with this huge fat old woman. The third guy nods and proceeds. He knocks out the bouncer and heads towards the room with the dog. The farmer locks him into the room and waits, the farmer can hear a bunch of noise, the dog starts to yelp and growl,
A moment later the third guy comes out, he has not a scratch on him and ask the farmer, So where's this old hag that I have to pull the tooth out of?!!
In the spirit of Halloween.......
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his penis.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator".
Smart Crooks..
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
English Is A Crazy Language
Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault
-- the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
The Salvation Army Rejects your mattress.
You refer to the time you won a case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
Your grandmother has ever been ejected from a Bingo game because of her language.
Someone asks,"where's your bowling bag?" and you answer,"She's at home with the kids."
When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You own a pair of cutoffs made from double-knit pants.
The Home Shopping Network operator recognizes your voice.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to school for "Show and Tell."
Your baby's first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
In an effort to cut down on your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
Deer Hunting........
Deer hunting season is coming up... Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - "Click".
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.
ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle
PART II - Still Supposed to be real....
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
The 73 Year old Man
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
The Lottery Winner
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Lingerie
A man goes to Fredericks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this on and come down to model it for me"
His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "this thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."
So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Don't Kick the Animals
A mother tells the little boy that he can't have any breakfast until he feeds the animals, so the boy goes out to the barn and tells the chickens "I don't feel like feeding you today!" and kicks the chickens.
He does the same to the pigs and the cows, then heads inside for breakfast.
The Mother says "I saw you kick the chickens, so you won't be getting any eggs, and I saw you kick the pigs, so you won't begettin any bacon, and I saw you kick the cows, so you won't be gettin any milk!"
About that time father comes down the steps and accidentally kicks the cat, and son said to mother "should I tell him or should you?"
Wisdom From The Walls
From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder.
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom, Lynagh's. Lexington, Kentucky.
The Pope and the Crossword Puzzle
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind ...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
The Four Sons
Four men went golfing together one day. Three headed to the first tee and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said"My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged" My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man admitted" Well, I'm sorry to say that he's gay. But he sure has a lot of friends. Why his last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
IQ Test
Score evaluation:
21 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
**************************
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half-hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
<<<<<<<<<<<<< Answers >>>>>>>>>>>>
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton
How to keep a Woman Happy
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave,trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,ervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge,wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
How to Keep A Man Happy
Show up naked.
Little Known Christmas Facts
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!!!!!
Programmers Sonatas
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
============================================
Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
===================================
Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the block size from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
==================================
Write in C ("Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
=========================
Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it core dumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
Happily Addicted to the Web
(sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web
Last update Sept. 01 2005