Capital Blonde
A blonde was sick and tired of all the jokes around the office about how stupid she was. Everyday blonde jokes.So, one day she told them she was going to do something over the weekend to prove to them just how smart she was, and on Monday they could test her. Monday morning bright and early she walked in and said, "Okay, I know all the capitals of all the states...you guys just go ahead and test me."One of her fellow workers said ok the the capital of Wyoming if your so smart.She smiled and proudly said, "that's easy its, Capital "W".
Smart Eh?
One night two blondes come into a bar and order a drink. They slap hands (high five) and say, "51 days alright." The bartender takes notice but goes on with his duties. A few minutes later they order re-fills and when they are set before them they again high five and say, "51 days alright." This goes on again so the bartender has to ask, 51 days what?Well said the one of the girls...the 100piece puzzle said 5-6 years and we did it in 51 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Communist Propaganda
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Ouch!!!
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:
WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gently flush of Warm water sprayed his bare bottom.
He thought, "Wow", these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha", he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with this kind of service!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation.
A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off,so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having the time of your life until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.
By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
The Ten Commandments of Love
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
Cowboy and Indians
A cowboy was out one day, riding the range, when he was captured by Indians. They dragged him back to their encampment and the chief approached him and said "You die in three days white man, but we fair people. We give you one wish each day, then on third day, you die,understand? ... Now, what your first wish?"
The cowboy thought a moment and said "I want to speak to my horse."
So the Indians brought him his horse. The cowboy walked over to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered something to it. Then he slapped it on the ass and it took off. In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked blonde. The blonde hopped off and went into the cowboy's tent.
The Indians sat around and watched all this and said to themselves "Typical white man. Going to die in three days, can only think of one thing."
So the next night they bring him out and the chief says "You die day after tomorrow, white man. What your next wish?"
The cowboy said "I wanna see my horse again. So, again, they brought him his horse. He walked up to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered to it again. Then he slapped it on the ass and it took off.
In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked redhead. The redhead jumped down and went into the cowboy's tent.
The Indians sat around and said "Typical white man. Going to die tomorrow, can only think of one thing."
So on the third day they brought him out again. The chief came to him and said "You die at sunset, white man. What your last wish?"
The cowboy took a deep breath and said "I wanna see my horse." So they once again brought him his horse. He walked up to it again and this time grabbed it hard by both ears. He leaned right in its face and said "Read my lips!
POSSE!! P-O-S-S-E, POSSE!!"
Now Boarding
A few days after Christmas, a Mother working in her kitchen was listening to her son playing with his new electric train set
in the living room. She heard the train stop and then heard her son say,"All of you sons-of-bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And, all of you sons-of-bitches who are gettin'on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!".
The Mother went in and told Little Johnny, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language."
Two hours later, Little Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the Mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today, and we hope that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat or in the overhead racks. Remember that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the Bitch in the kitchen."
12 inch Bic
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"
Priest With A Small Parish
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
"A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what does it for" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer" At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life. After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and continue game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it.
After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."
"And you call that not bad?"
"Well, not for a priest with a small parish....."
What Are You Doing Streaking Across My Lawn
I came home early one afternoon, and I saw this guy streaking naked across my lawn. I yelled out my car window,
"What the hell are you doing streaking naked across my lawn?"
He yelled back "What the hell are you doing home early?"
Good News, Bad News
This guy goes in to see the doctor after he had taken some tests. The doctor told him: I have some good news and some bad news.
The guy said;"Tell me the bad news first"
The doctor told him that the tests showed that he was definitely gay.
The guy said"Ok then what’s the bad news?"
The doctor said; "I think you’re kinda cute".
Bad News, Really Bad News
This guy goes in to see the doctor after he had taken some tests. The doctor told him:
"I have some bad news and some really bad news"
The guy said; "Tell me the bad news first".
The doctor told him that the tests showed that he had terminal cancer.
The guy said "What’s the really bad news?"
The doctor said; "You have Alzheimers"
The guy said: "Whew! I thought you were going to say I had cancer".
The Computer Hillbillies
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid,barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...
" UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "you project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Jed worked so hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... ya hear'
Pickup Lines
I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.
I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.
I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.
I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.
May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.
HOW TO KILL AN EEL
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
" Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must of thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
" He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
" Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
" Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
" Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
" After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives or something.
" This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."
Mother fainted.
What'd He Say?
An elderly couple was traveling across country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman....
Patrolman: "Mam...you were speeding."
Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"
Patrolman: "May I see your license please."
Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LICENSE!"
The old woman hands the patrolman her license.
Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had the worst sex I've ever had with a women there."
Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"
How To prepare for Married Life
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.
Part 2 is definitely real life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
*****
Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message> regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
How to identify which state a driver is from:
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn, NEW YORK CITY
One hand on the wheel, one finger out the window, CHICAGO
One hand on the wheel, one hand holding Newspaper, foot on the accelerator, WASHINGTON DC
One hand on the wheel, cradling a cell phone, brick on the accelerator, CALIFORNIA (add gun on lap for L.A.)
Both hands on the wheel, eyes shut, both feet on the brake, quivering in terror, NORTH DAKOTA (driving in California)
Both hands in air gesturing, both feet on the accelerator, screaming arabic to himself, NEW YORK CAB DRIVER
One hand on latte, one knee on the wheel, cradling cell phone, one hand on cd case containing grunge classics, SEATTLE
One hand refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and aqua net to keep the hair going. Poodle steering the car and a .38 revolver with a pearl handle on the passenger seat, TEXAS FEMALE
Both hands on the wheel eyes checking mirrors for visible emissions from anothers car, COLORADO
One hand on the wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand firing gun keeping and an eye our to return and pickup the bullets that missed so as not to litter. COLORADO on spotting a car with TEXAS license plate
Four wheel drive pickup, shotgun mounted in the window, beer cans on the floor, squirrel tales attached to the antenna, WEST VIRGINA (male or female)
Junker driven by a previously wealthy man now wearing nothing but a towel, LAS VEGAS
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the wheel, driving 35 mph in the fast lane of the freeway with the blinker on, FLORIDA
One hand on the wheel of the minivan, other hand threatening whiny children crowded in the back seats, Legs squeezing a Zuka juice, foot off the accelerator in standstill traffic, brake to the floor, orange cone embedded in the grill from foiled alternate route escape, Families are forever and Proud member -NRA stickers on the bum UTAH
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play---normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate mean of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Camelot
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
WEIRD LAW
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
12 Times
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times.On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "please promise to be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
This puzzled the grooms, since after twelve marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
The bride responds...
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great!"
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically "ok," but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said,"those who can...do; those who can't...teach."
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new, state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards, but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it."
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...God I miss him!
SO, now that I have married a lawyer, I know I'm really going to get screwed!
ZZZZ.....
(You MUST have Microsoft Word to get this one)
All my life, when I read comics, I thought the "zzzz" in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out!
All that wasted time!
With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light.Now, I finally know what all those "sleeping" people in those comics had on their minds!
If you want to see what I'm babbling about, start up Microsoft Word, type in "zzzz" (without the quotes, of course) and hit the Spell check.
Now you too can be enlightened!
Be sure you only enter z four times (zzzz)
Men and Women
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?".
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know why I;m mad at you I'm not going to tell you."
Ice Fishing
A Texan wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you LORD?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"
Machinery at it's Best!
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
The Perfect Day (her)
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
9:00 5lbs lighter on the scale.
9:30 Light Breakfast.
11:00 Sunbathe.
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
1:45 Shopping.
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing.
10:00 Make love.
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms.
The Perfect Day (him)
(very american=> need an Aussie version)
6:45 Alarm.
7:00-7:30 Shower and massage.
7:30-7:45 Blowjob.
7:45-8:15 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30-12:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30-12:45 Blowjob.
12:45-2:30 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30-6:15 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless).Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens
6:15-6:30 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00-9:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00-10:30 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettuchini Alfredo,Chateau Lafitte Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brulet,Louis XIV Cognac, Cohiba Lancero.
10:30-11:30 Sex with 3 women (minimum of two with mixed racial origin).
11:30-12:00 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed,hail cab and leave.
Midnight Sleep.
Things that make you go Hmmmm...
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Things that make you Wonder
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do"practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Weird Chris
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store"
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Two Dwarfs
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
A Real Tragedy
Bill Clinton visited a school last week. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "Tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a "Tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an "Accident".
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a "Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a "Great Loss."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteered.
"What?"asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a "Tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In the timid voice, he says, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a "Tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a "Tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an "Accident," and it certainly would be no "Great Loss!"
Randy The Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:"I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see."
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy" he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying till Randy was finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still, at the same frantic pace. Then he went into the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer watching all of this with disbelief, cried out"Stop Randy, you'll kill yourself." But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh." Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Your Honour
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies: "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog's reply was; "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says; "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies: "ribbit, $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies; "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Dilbert's Laws of Work
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Introductory Chemistry
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid B+.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U.Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they over slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
The Painting of a Room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Good Luck Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True story.
Deserted Island
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years ! ", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years ! "
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"
Superman
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.
'This is a nice place. I've never been her before,' he says to the guy next to him.
'Oh really?' the other replies. 'It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar.'
'Why is that?' the first guy asks.
'Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic.'
'Gee, that's amazing!' says the first guy.
'Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside the window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up.'
'No way! That's impossible,' the guy scoffs.
'Not at all. Take a look,' the other man replies, and with that walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
'See? It's fun. You should try it,' he says.
'Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!' the first man shouts. 'It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again.' And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
'Give it a try. It's a blast,' he says.
'Well what the heck, I'll give it a try,' the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window.
He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk.'
Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Last update Sept01, 2005