Jokes
page 1
The Sinning Nuns
There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quiet. The other nuns said, "Come now, we told you our worst sins, what is yours."
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a terrible gossip and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Real Stories of the Technically Challenged
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this remote thingy, "she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather restraints... "
You might try the following method to relieve stress. :-})
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear. The brook gurgles and the air is cool...
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first > place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath...then *splosh slosh*!... back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There, now... feeling better?
Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars:
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.
* Caution: I drive like you do
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* So many stupid people... so few comets.
* All generalizations are false.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana-At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again? .
Blind as a Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS "
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SLEEP IS BETTER THAN SEX !!!!!!!
1) YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT DOING IT ALONE.
2) NO ONE WILL START RUMORS ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU SLEEP.
3) YOU WONT COMPLAIN IN THE MORNING ABOUT NOT GETTING ANY.
4) YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY FOR SLEEP.
5) YOU DON'T NEED TO SLEEP AFTER SLEEPING.
6) SLEEP CAN LAST A GOOD 10 HOURS.
7) YOU CAN SLEEP IN CHURCH.
8) WHILE SLEEPING YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE YOU WANT.
9) YOUR TEDDY BEAR NEVER COMPLAINS.
10) IT'S LEGAL TO SLEEP IN ANY POSITION IN ALL 50 STATES.
WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals. (THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!!)
11. Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
19. Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
20. Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
21. Polish your car with ear wax.
22. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
23. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
24. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
25. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
26. Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.
27. Lie on your back eating celery... using your navel as a salt dipper.
28. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
29. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
30. Take pictures of the pazzaratzi for a change of pace for them!
The Worlds 19 Shortest Books....
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette and Fine Dining
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Technical Assistance.
"Hello, Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.]"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
Widow
Two men are playing golf when a funeral-procession passes on the street next to the green. One of the men takes of his hat and holds it to his heart. When the procession has passed the other one says:
'That was a nice gesture of you'.
'Well', the first says, after twenty years of marriage that's the least I could do for her'.
LOVE THE MARINES
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you *@$&*s$% to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.
The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.
"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.
"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.
"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
The Housekeeper
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
5 Ways to Drive A Roommate NUTS!!!
1) Hang pictures of chickens all over the apartment. If your roommate eats eggs, yell, "You cannibal!"
2) Put glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off when you wake up. Explain that they’re "Magic Dream Glasses." Get your roommate to use them.
3) Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Stare at it and scream, "It’s spreading, it’s spreading!" 4) When your roommate goes out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When he/she walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head and moan.
5) Pretend you’re on the phone. Shout angrily and scream obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she’d call back."
"How To Install Software-A 12-Step Program"
(by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
EDGAR ALLEN POE & COMPUTERS
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some >>more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed thing! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some >>more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the >>night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black >>holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, dBase, Microsoft and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM
NAME: ........................ ..............................................SOCIAL SECURITY NO.:.................
ADDRESS: .................................................................CITY: ...............................
STAFF ELEMENT: ....................................................HOME TELEPHONE NO.: .................
MALE: ..... FEMALE: ................................................ OFFICE TELEPHONE NO.: ...............
Sexual Preference
Male - Female:............... Male - Male: ........................
Female - Female: ............ All of the Above: ...................
None of the Above: .................
I consent to the following forms of sexual harassment:
Non Contact:
Salutatory Greetings: .......................................Eye - to - Eye Contact: .............................
Eye - to - Bust Contact: ..................................Eye - to - Below - Waist Contact: ...................
Heavy Breathing on Neck: ..............................Ear: .............................
Other: .............................................................
Touching:
Hands on Body: ...............................................Shoulder: ..................................
Waist: ..............................................................Gluteus Maximus: ...........................
Other: .....................................
More Than Touching:
Feelies: .............................................................Gropies: ............................................
Penetration, However Slight: ..............................Other: ..............................................
All of the Above: ...................................
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL .......... I WILL NOT ..........
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products, etc., to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Procurement and maintenance of various types of sustaining apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I certify that I will accept sexual harassment from:
Anyone: ...........
Anyone But: ....................................................................................................................
Only: ................................................................................................................................
SIGNATURE: ........................................ DATE: ....................
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to performance rating and evaluation.
Excerpt from a recent live radio interview:
A female newscaster is interviewing Mr. Jones, the leader of a Youth club:
Interviewer: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?
Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, abseiling (rappelling), canoeing, archery, shooting...
Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one are you?
Needless to say, the interview was terminated almost immediately.....
Hello Mom?
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300.
She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
The Taxidermist
The doctor who did circumcisions had an odd hobby, he kept all the foreskins from his customers. One day he took all of the foreskins to a taxidermist and told him he wanted something made, he wasn't sure what, but it had to be unique. The taxidermist said to come back in a week. When the doctor came back the taxidermist handed him a wallet.
"A wallet!" the doctor cried. "I gave you over a thousand foreskins,and all you could make was a wallet?"
"Sure," said the taxidermist,"but when you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
Stats about Women and Sex
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for Black girls.
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
Atheists, non-Christians and Jews all tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:
A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D, wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbra Cartland, and who lived with her single mom!
....good hunting
Signs Of the Times
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Of Dogs and Men
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
WHERE DOGS SLIP UP
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
Men open their own cans.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Holiday Inns accept men.
Men are strong and like to lift things to prove it.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both usually look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate at one time.
Both tend to have problems with their hips.
Neither understands football.
Both look good in fur.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither realizes that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
They both overvalue kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you-- except for fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw)
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy stuff for.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "NO" means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs think you are culinary genius.
You can house-train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct you when you tell a joke.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down you purse with their stuff.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs can appreciate luxuriant body hair.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger than a lobster .
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never lobby for foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom out think you.
Lawyer Jokes
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers sky diving from an airplane?
Skeet.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
$50.00 for three questions? Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? " he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Good News, Bad News
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news."
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00.
The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."
What if Dr Suess Did Technical Writing?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
Last update Sept. 01, 2005